Monday

Today was such a hard day....especially since it was piggy backed on such a bad day yesterday.  It is 3:46 a.m. and I couldn't sleep so I got up to clear my head.  I was going to skip today's writing but it truly helps me to journal my thoughts about the day.

At times, it feels as though we are taking two steps forward three steps back, and we see this as a total attack by the enemy. We went to visit Sasha today at about 11:30 a.m. and got to his orphanage around noon, when their lessons were supposed to be finished for the day.  Well, we sat and sat and waited and waited outside of his classroom.  He saw us and gave a small little smile but never came out to hug us or kiss us like he had done in the past. 

Today was VERY different... he was even more distant than yesterday. They stayed in their classroom to clean again today.  We are not sure if they were being punished or if they were just cleaning again...but it was odd since they had just cleaned on Saturday and were not even in the classroom on Sunday the day before.  Anyway, we waited about 2 hours with no response from him except a glance or small smile now and then.  Then it was time for them to go to lunch.  Jeff, Ksenia and I were sitting on the couches, directly outside of his classrooms, yet he rushed right past us to go to lunch.  Still no hug or true acknowledgement of our presence.  We knew something was up.

Then we waited some more.  We could not find him anywhere.  Finally Ksenia found him and brought him to us.  He was basically avoiding us.  When we found him we were told that he had to stay with a social worker, teacher, if we wanted to "hang out" with him.  We were not able to do much, because she listened in on our conversations. 

I have the absolute sweetest husband who swallowed his pride and pain and said, "Sasha, let's go play guns."  Sasha said, "No papa."  So we continued to sit there.  I said, "Sasha, you okay, you still coming to America?"  No answer!

Finally we sat there a bit longer and he said he had to go finish his homework.  Let me tell you....Sasha doesn't especially like school and for him to want to go do his homework over spending time with us does not add up.  His social worker then told him he had to stay outside because there was a meeting in the school building.  So then Jeff tried again..."Sasha, let's go play guns." 

Sasha said ok without even smiling.  He grabbed a gun and just walked off into the field.  He was not wanting to play guns....someone had stolen his joy again today.  He was not at all interested in being with us, either because someone was watching or threatening him. He just wondered around in a daze.   So after about 15 -20 minutes of Jeff hiding behind trees and sneaking up on Sasha Jeff decided to call it quits.

Ksenia asked in her beautiful Russian language....many questions.  "Sasha, you okay?  You do not need to be afraid, we can protect you.  Who is saying things to you? Why are you acting this way today? Has someone been hurting you or scaring you?"

He assured her that no one was doing that.  OF COURSE WE KNOW IT IS NOT TRUE!

She asked him clearly in Russian, "Are you still going to America?"  He said, "yes."

I wish I could just hang on that and take it for what it is....but we seem to be losing ground everyday!

Soon after we had been there for three hours we decided it was time to leave.  We had to ask for a hug as he was not offering. 

Ksenia was able to reach someone to do some investigative work into this situation.  Our advocate basically called and tried to get things straighted around for us.  If tomorrow brings more of the same then our advocates here will be making some serious accusations. 

It is uncomprehensible to believe that any human being with a beating heart would try to deny a child the right to have a family who loves and cares for him or her.  We are all sinful, but this shows how evil a heart can be.  Sasha has no family except for an 80 year old grandma and a father who is never allowed to have rights of his child again.  Sasha will be completely alone in this world and will have to care for himself.  We came here to get our son and take him home to give him a better life and family and we believe that Sasha loves us and wants that too......but someone is manipulating him into changing his mind. 

We hope to have court on Friday in Lutugano.  He will again be required to stand up and say, "Yes, I want these people to be my parents in America."  We appreciate all your prayers for strength and courage.  Sasha is up against Goliath and needs to hang on to God to get him through this.  If by chance Sasha says no on Friday then our hands are tied and we are basically done!  We would need to completely start over with our dossier and do all of this again and Jeff said we are not doing that.  We will make that perfectly clear to him and Ksenia and her sister Nastya will talk with him before we walk into court.  Jeff and I can only love on him and pray.

I told Jeff that I want to brace myself for the worst.  Everyday is full of new disappointments.  Every morning we leave our place filled up from God's word and prayers and come home feeling defeated. It's been a long silent tearful ride home these past few days.  We will see what tomorrow brings.  Our whole existance here is waking up to get to see him and then coming home disappointed.  We do not have a tv that speaks any english, so we have been watching 24 round the clock.  I wish Jack Bauer were here now to intervene for us. ha!

I keep thinking in my heart....Lord I know you have not carried us this far without a "happy" ending.  There have been so many problems in this orphanage and so many heart broken though.  I will tell you that if we have to leave here on Friday and he has not said, "yes" to the court, I am not sure how we will endure.  There have been a few that left because the children said no.  Sasha said yes very quickly comparitively speaking to the other children in the orphanage, evidentally.

Our poor little boy is having to cope in a world where adults are sending mixed messages.  Love is wanting what is best for a person, not keeping them in your grip...it's allowing them to be free to experience life.

This is the hardest emotional pain I have ever felt other than the loss of three babies or miscarriages. No words can describe what we are feeling. God is really testing our faith!  We say it often, "For all things work together for the good, for those who love God and are called according to His purpose."  Well, we are having a chance to really test that out.  Do we believe God? We say it often, but will we trust Him in this matter.   No matter what the outcome God, we trust You and have faith that You know what is best for us."

We know God has us here for a reason.  He is the King of Kings, The Beginning and the End, The Who IS and IS to come!  This is the God we serve.  Bigger than all of our problems and pain.  We are learning so much about patience.  We wait and we wait to see the outcome of this story.  We will fight the good fight and not grow weary!!!

We will fight for Sasha and take up as much as we can for him, but in the end, he has to be the one to say "YES" again.  We hate to continue to ask for prayers, but we need Sasha to feel God's strength and courage.  He is fighting a battle for his freedom against the evil forces.

Hear our prayer, O Lord, listen to our cry for help, be not deaf to our weeping.  (Psalm 39:12)

Jesus said, "In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world."  (John 16:33)

Thank you for your love, concern and prayers!
m and j